SANITY…. September 3, 2012
I’m going crazy. I don’t even know why. Life is so cruel to me. Chance is so hard to have and time is so hard to bring back or stop of fast forward. Why is it like these?. I don’t understand. I can’t explain. What I feel? what? what? what?. I can’t help myself. No one can help me also. I guess this is the start of me loosing sanity.
Am I insane?. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. I feel so pathetic. I feel lost. I feel so lonely. What is this?. I can’t understand. Help me please!
I can’t close my eyes peacefully. My mind is crowded with many memories. Memories of you! memories of them! memories of all!. All but memories. Why do I keep seeing them? why? why? why?.
Why I worry about tomorrow?. Why I’m afraid?. Will I wake up?. Will I still see the world?. What? What? what? is my future?. Why I’m afraid?. Am I suppose to worry?.
Am I prepared for tomorrow?. Do I have to prepare for tomorrow?. Do I have to?. What is tomororrow?. What will I do today for tomorrow?. I don’t know. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be happy. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be sad. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.
Is my life worth living for?. Is my life the life I wanted?. Is my life the life other people want?. Is my life the life other people don’t ever like to have. Hmmm.., my life.
Why I am still breathing?. Why do I feel sad?. Why do I feel happy?. Why I feel excited?. Why I feel nervous?. Why I feel worried?. Why I feel angry?. Why I feel love?. Why I feel?…What I feel?. What are these?. Happy? I smile. Sad? I frown. Excited? my heart pumps fast. Nervous? I breath fast. Worried? can’t think well.Angry? scream. Love? I feel; something unexplainable.
My mind is crowded. Am I still young?. Time is moving fast?. I’m not getting younger but getting older instead. Is my mind growing?. Can I hide my real age?. Do I act like my age?. Do I want to get older?. Tomorrow will I get married too?. Tomorrow will I be a parent too?. Will I have children?. Who will I marry?. Who is he?. What is he?. Should I marry a person same my age, or younger than me or older than me?. If younger or older, for how many years will it be?.
Should I marry him same age as me?. We will explore together. We both don’t know what is waiting for us. We will then help each other work on our relationship. Who will be the one to decide?. Is it me since I have brat attitude or is it him since he has pride to protect. What if we will argue?. Who will be the one to apologize?. Who will be the one to be patient?. Are we going to grow old together?.
Should I marry him younger than me?. Younger for one or two years. Maybe fine. I think I’m young. Who will be the one to adjust?. Should I be the one to adjust since I’m older?. Should I be the one to understand?. Should I be the one to teach him?. Then maybe I can control him. Can we grow old together?. What if he will find someone younger than me, younger than him?. Are we going to grow old together?.
Should I marry him older than me?. Older for three years or five years. What if older for ten years or more?. Will my family accept?. Will we be able to escape the criticisms of society. Can I stand the love that is against all odds, the love that seems to be against the world. He will take good care of me indeed. He has a lot of knowledge, experiences and talent. He can teach me. He will be the one to do all the thinking stuff. I will just follow. Seems to be nice. Will it be exciting?. He will take good care of me for sure.. He will be patient and understanding I guess. Untill when can he be like that?. After five years, ten years is he that healthy as today?. I will be the one to take good care of him. Who’s gonna die first?. If I die first maybe it’s better but how about him? nobody will take good care of him. How about if he will be the first to die? Can I still live?. I relied on him all my life. Are we going to grow old together?.
Am I a racist?. Do I like black or white?. Do I like small eyes or big eyes?. Do I like black hair or brown hair?. Whatever it is, they are God’s masterpiece. How about him talking different dialect or language?. Can I communicate with them?, with him maybe yes. How about the family, my family and his family. How can they understand each other?.
Should I just think of myself and do whatever I want?. Can that be possible?. Can I take a step without others tellingme what to do, what to feel?. If I do it can I stand for it?. Can I be proud to say, yes I did it! I did it by myself!. Is it possible to escape if it will not meet my expectations. Can I just step out or blink my eyes and it will be over. Is it easy to run and leave everything behind?. Is it possible not to hurt other people in every move I will do?.
Should I just live by myself?. Should I forget about getting involved with others life. Should I just learn to take good care of myself?. Should I just learn not to feel love. Is it possible to push people away?. Is it possible to forget the memories?. Is it possible to start a new me?. For 25 years of my existence I’ve been so dependent on others, can’t even decide for myself. Am I prepared to let go of me?. Let go of the old me?. Can I be that tough?.
Shall I stop to feel anything, everything?. Shall I stop to think?. Shall I stop to worry?. Shall I just sleep and wake up…eat, work. Shall I just close my eyes and go to the other world. The world others say I can find peace. Shall I bid goodbye and say peace be with me?. I guess happy ever after,happy endings are only in movies and fairytales .
this photograph intrigues me so much! why isn’t this the most famous photo from 9/11 instead of the falling man? isn’t 2 people holding hands after jumping more significant than 1 man? it makes me wonder what the story is behind this photo, were they friends or lovers? or just strangers who were too scared to jump alone? it shows that people need a helping hand even in their final moments, i love it.
Fucking reblog today; tomorrow. Any day I see it on my dash. Beautiful. I for one think they were strangers. Sometimes it’s easier to care for a stranger, how else would they have found the courage to not only jump, but to look into someone’s eyes and jump. I don’t think I could have done that if I knew the person well. just a REBLOG